Borrowing a computer that is able to get on here and send out a quick update! :)
My team now has less than 2 weeks left in Asia!
These last few weeks have been such an incredible adventure.
We have seen people come to know the Lord and accept Jesus' sacrifice for the first time, we've learned so much more about ourselves as individuals and grown significantly in our relationships with Jesus, we've lived in a remote village, explored places where there are no other believers, led worship in places where there had previously only ever been idol worship, and done research on minority people groups as we survey the possibilities of providing them with long-term community development/church planting/bible translations.
More detailed stories will come later on when I'm home and have time to process through my journal and post a whole lot more in-depth. God is really glorifying himself in huge ways through this journey, and I'm super stoked to share that with you!
This internship hasn't been easy, it's been really challenging and difficult at times, but it's been completely worth it.
(Getting chased out of an outhouse at 3am by a rooster isn't exactly an amazing experience...neither is crashing a moped... and doing laundry in a river kind of stinks literally and figuratively... )
I can truly say that every tough moment has been entirely worth the incredible experiences and opportunities I've been given so far- and I can't wait to see what God has planned next for the next couple of weeks here.
I'm really excited to be able to show you guys pictures of some of the places we've been able to travel to! There are so many incredible people and places and experiences I genuinely can't wait to tell you all about. I've never been to such beautiful places and experienced so many amazing things in such a short few weeks!
I really do miss my family and friends- you guys are my hugest support and I can't even begin to describe how much I love and appreciate you all.
Your continued prayers mean the world to me!
Prayer needs:
-PRAISE! We recently welcomed into the family 2 new believers and baptized them in the river right out front of their home. Please pray that they will be built up and strengthened in their faith long after we are gone, and that they will continue to learn and grow in their walk with Jesus through listening to the audio bible we left with them.
-We met with a family the other day who live in a difficult-to-reach place and who are the only believers in their entire tribe. Please pray for encouragement and guidance for them!
-One of the interns from another team in Africa contracted malaria, please pray for healing and comfort as she recovers.
-Traveling to remote places can be difficult, especially on a surveying trek where none of us is 'exactly' sure where we'll end up or where we will sleep that night. Please pray for safety and clarity for me and my team as we navigate to and from these locations. We got back from a surveying trek yesterday, and we leave town tomorrow for our last surveying trek- we'll be gone for about 5 days. Prayer is greatly appreciated!
Love you guys! :)
Saturday, July 26, 2014
Sunday, July 13, 2014
Greetings from Asia!
This is my first (and, possibly my only) post from Asia! My team and I are healthy and excited and well provided for! I have been here for a week now, and am feeling very well adjusted to the time change. This is my first opportunity with internet to update you guys on this part of the internship! We have been traveling almost daily, plunging ourselves into so many rich experiences and relationships that are an incredible gift from God! Every day is such a unique adventure. I sometimes have to stop and remind myself that this is real life- I am here, Jesus is here, and he is showing me the amazing ways he is already moving in these places he has guided us to. This part of the internship is already hands-down one of the most amazing, difficult, exciting, terrifying, and epic adventures I have ever had! And this is only week 1!
I am writing this post from my phone, and since the internet is slow there is lag and it's difficult to share some of my stories in sufficient detail. I have been journaling every day, recording as much as I can about all of the ways I'm seeing God move in Asia and move in my own heart, so I will be posting journal excerpts and stories as I am able to (even if that can't happen til I return to the states- it is very unclear whether or not I will have internet access again, and when I'd have it, etc).
Knowing you are all praying for me and supporting me is one of the biggest blessing I could imagine for myself- Thankyou SO much! Your prayers truly make such a difference.
Prayer needs:
-Strength for the team- pray for unity and awareness of God's leading.
-My new friend A****'s grandfather passed away yesterday. Please pray peace and comfort over her and her family and that God would use this time to draw her family to himself, and away from idol worship.
- Perseverance for the new groups of believers we are encountering, that God would provide for them and encourage them daily.
-Please pray that God richly blesses each believer who has hosted us, provided for us, and expressed such beautiful Christ-like generosity towards us.
-I was blessed with a unique opportunity to prayer-walk with some new friends who are heavily involved in anti-trafficking work in one of the cities, and we spent one night walking through an area of town heavily populated with brothels and casinos. God's heart breaks for these girls so much more than mine does. so please pray that he would call workers to minister to these girls and be the catalyst for change in this city!
I am writing this post from my phone, and since the internet is slow there is lag and it's difficult to share some of my stories in sufficient detail. I have been journaling every day, recording as much as I can about all of the ways I'm seeing God move in Asia and move in my own heart, so I will be posting journal excerpts and stories as I am able to (even if that can't happen til I return to the states- it is very unclear whether or not I will have internet access again, and when I'd have it, etc).
Knowing you are all praying for me and supporting me is one of the biggest blessing I could imagine for myself- Thankyou SO much! Your prayers truly make such a difference.
Prayer needs:
-Strength for the team- pray for unity and awareness of God's leading.
-My new friend A****'s grandfather passed away yesterday. Please pray peace and comfort over her and her family and that God would use this time to draw her family to himself, and away from idol worship.
- Perseverance for the new groups of believers we are encountering, that God would provide for them and encourage them daily.
-Please pray that God richly blesses each believer who has hosted us, provided for us, and expressed such beautiful Christ-like generosity towards us.
-I was blessed with a unique opportunity to prayer-walk with some new friends who are heavily involved in anti-trafficking work in one of the cities, and we spent one night walking through an area of town heavily populated with brothels and casinos. God's heart breaks for these girls so much more than mine does. so please pray that he would call workers to minister to these girls and be the catalyst for change in this city!
Friday, July 4, 2014
Obedience > Bravery
The Dallas days have come to an end!
The last language lessons have happened,
Bilingual songbooks have been printed,
Gifts have been given,
Projects have been completed,
And goodbyes have already begun to happen as we prepare to step into the next part of our journey.
Sometimes, it feels as though I've been here for months, other times it feels like just a few days.
There's such a strange mix of emotions in my heart right now.
I'm excited, and terrified.
I'm overwhelmed, and numb.
I'm thankful, and dissatisfied.
I'm wondering how is it possible to feel so many conflicting, contradictory emotions!
I'm not sure if/when I'll have internet access, so I might not be updating this blog very often until I get back and can post pictures and excerpts from my journal.
If I end up finding internet access, I'll send out brief updates on this blog when/if I can!
Can't believe this is finally happening!
Several people have approached me and my teammates and remarked how "brave" they think we are.
"Wow- you're going to _____? You all must be very brave!"
But, this really doesn't feel like bravery- because I'm scared. We all are.
In my mind, we really aren't particularly brave; we're just a group of inexperienced people, in way over our heads, pursuing obedience as best as we know how to.
And right now, that obedience is leading us to Asia.
As always, your prayers mean so much more to me than you realize!
Prayer matters, and it makes such a tangible difference.
Thank you!
Prayer needs:
-Strength and perseverance for me and the team.
The first few days in Asia will be some of the most difficult. Please pray that we keep our focus on Christ when (not 'if') things get really tight.
-Unity
Please pray that our team experiences a renewed sense of unity as we remind one another of our common purpose.
-Health; please pray against sicknesses and minor aches and pains which could get alot worse under the stress of travel
-There are a few families in Asia whom we are already connected with who we hope will accept the truth of the gospel during our time with them. Please pray for open hearts and teachable spirits!
(Sneak peek at the cover design for the bilingual songbook. :) This flower represents the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus.)
The last language lessons have happened,
Bilingual songbooks have been printed,
Gifts have been given,
Projects have been completed,
And goodbyes have already begun to happen as we prepare to step into the next part of our journey.
Sometimes, it feels as though I've been here for months, other times it feels like just a few days.
There's such a strange mix of emotions in my heart right now.
I'm excited, and terrified.
I'm overwhelmed, and numb.
I'm thankful, and dissatisfied.
I'm wondering how is it possible to feel so many conflicting, contradictory emotions!
I'm not sure if/when I'll have internet access, so I might not be updating this blog very often until I get back and can post pictures and excerpts from my journal.
If I end up finding internet access, I'll send out brief updates on this blog when/if I can!
Can't believe this is finally happening!
Several people have approached me and my teammates and remarked how "brave" they think we are.
"Wow- you're going to _____? You all must be very brave!"
But, this really doesn't feel like bravery- because I'm scared. We all are.
In my mind, we really aren't particularly brave; we're just a group of inexperienced people, in way over our heads, pursuing obedience as best as we know how to.
And right now, that obedience is leading us to Asia.
As always, your prayers mean so much more to me than you realize!
Prayer matters, and it makes such a tangible difference.
Thank you!
Prayer needs:
-Strength and perseverance for me and the team.
The first few days in Asia will be some of the most difficult. Please pray that we keep our focus on Christ when (not 'if') things get really tight.
-Unity
Please pray that our team experiences a renewed sense of unity as we remind one another of our common purpose.
-Health; please pray against sicknesses and minor aches and pains which could get alot worse under the stress of travel
-There are a few families in Asia whom we are already connected with who we hope will accept the truth of the gospel during our time with them. Please pray for open hearts and teachable spirits!
(Sneak peek at the cover design for the bilingual songbook. :) This flower represents the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus.)
Saturday, June 28, 2014
Packing 101
Growing up, I always had a tough time packing for trips.
I needed tons of help, otherwise I'd pack WAYY TOO MUCH or not enough.
Basically, experiencing everything within the spectrum of:
"Oh, so I didn't need to bring a fridge?" to
"I forgot my shoes. And also my socks. And also everything else that isn't snacks."
Slight exaggeration, maybe, but you get the idea. ;)
When I pack excessively, bringing everything I can possibly imagine I could potentially need in any given situation, it changes the way my whole trip looks:
Sometimes, I feel like an awesome traveller for bringing something obscure that ended up proving useful. But, most times, I feel like a pack mule weighed down by useless junk heaped on top of where the necessities could have been.
Preparedness is GREAT.
"Over-preparedness-to-the-point-of-back-problems" isn't so great.
But as rough as poor packing can be, a heavy backpack isn't nearly as painful as a heavy heart is.
When I find myself trudging around with a heavily burdened heart, it's time to ask myself a couple of questions:
1. Am I hoarding unnecessary troubles and worries? (John 14:27)
2. Am I being weighed down by temporary and fleeting concerns? (Matthew 6:34)
If I answer yes to either one, then it's time for a serious heart-check to unpack some of that heaviness.
Jesus promises that his 'yoke is easy', and his 'burden is light' (Matt 11:30).
I shouldn't accept the lie that it's ok to settle for a stressed-out, weighed-down, freaked-out heart.
That kind of a burden isn't from Jesus, so I don't have to carry it.
As amazing as it is to remember the life-giving truth that Jesus' 'yoke is easy and his burden is light',
I also have to stop and notice that there's still a yoke, there's still a burden.
In fact, there's a cross.
"Then Jesus said to his disciples, "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me."
Matthew 16:24
Dang.
When I think about the heaviness of what that imagery means, carrying the 'cross' and the suffering that comes along with it, I can't help but marvel at this apparent dichotomy in Jesus' words:
One one hand, his burden is light. But, on the other hand, if you want to follow, you must take up your cross.
I don't think these truths are contradictory.
There's a lot that I don't know, so there's plenty of room for me to be wrong in my interpretation,
but I think that Jesus' words shed light on the reality that there are burdens worth bearing, and there are burdens that need to be laid down at his feet.
In this world, we WILL have trouble. We'll bear the weight of afflictions. Guaranteed.
And yet, the incredible truth is that our '...light and momentary afflictions are achieving for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison.' (2 Cor 4:17)
(Side note- Paul, the dude who described his afflictions as 'light and momentary' had an incredibly rough life; shipwrecked, persecuted, thrown in prison, and eventually killed because of his persistance in following Jesus. And yet, he describes these afflictions as 'light and momentary'. Blows my mind. Paul demonstrating that kind of depth of understanding of his burdens, and the purposes behind what he was carrying, is so incredible to me. He was carrying his cross, while resting under the lightness of the yoke of Jesus.)
I'm still thinking and processing through the verses/ideas I've been sharing in this post, so if you are reading this and have any comments or insights or other passages in scripture which might help deepen my understanding of Jesus' yoke/burden, I'd appreciate that a whole lot :)
Shoot me an email @ untiltheyallhaveheard@gmail.com!
Several people have been asking about what to pray for regarding the internship, so I thought I'd post some prayer needs tonight as well. This will be our last week in the States, so as we are wrapping up our time here and finishing last-second prep details, the more prayer we can get the better!
Prayer needs:
-That God would bless me and my team with good health as we prepare to fly to Asia next week. A few of us are feeling sick, so please pray that healing happens quickly!
-For the people/families we've been encountering on our prayer walks in the refugee communities; that God would help us to develop further relationships with them and that we'd have wisdom and clarity on how to better share Jesus' love with them.
-Logistics concerns; please pray that my coach is able to purchase plane tickets for in-country flights. This would dramatically help us to cut down on bus/van transportation time and quickly move from place-to-place. We want to spend less time on the road, and leave more time for relationship-building among minority people/language groups.
-That God would bless our research projects, and help us to finish compiling and printing the bilingual songbooks in time to take them to Asia.
I needed tons of help, otherwise I'd pack WAYY TOO MUCH or not enough.
Basically, experiencing everything within the spectrum of:
"Oh, so I didn't need to bring a fridge?" to
"I forgot my shoes. And also my socks. And also everything else that isn't snacks."
Slight exaggeration, maybe, but you get the idea. ;)
When I pack excessively, bringing everything I can possibly imagine I could potentially need in any given situation, it changes the way my whole trip looks:
Sometimes, I feel like an awesome traveller for bringing something obscure that ended up proving useful. But, most times, I feel like a pack mule weighed down by useless junk heaped on top of where the necessities could have been.
Preparedness is GREAT.
"Over-preparedness-to-the-point-of-back-problems" isn't so great.
But as rough as poor packing can be, a heavy backpack isn't nearly as painful as a heavy heart is.
When I find myself trudging around with a heavily burdened heart, it's time to ask myself a couple of questions:
1. Am I hoarding unnecessary troubles and worries? (John 14:27)
2. Am I being weighed down by temporary and fleeting concerns? (Matthew 6:34)
If I answer yes to either one, then it's time for a serious heart-check to unpack some of that heaviness.
Jesus promises that his 'yoke is easy', and his 'burden is light' (Matt 11:30).
I shouldn't accept the lie that it's ok to settle for a stressed-out, weighed-down, freaked-out heart.
That kind of a burden isn't from Jesus, so I don't have to carry it.
As amazing as it is to remember the life-giving truth that Jesus' 'yoke is easy and his burden is light',
I also have to stop and notice that there's still a yoke, there's still a burden.
In fact, there's a cross.
"Then Jesus said to his disciples, "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me."
Matthew 16:24
Dang.
When I think about the heaviness of what that imagery means, carrying the 'cross' and the suffering that comes along with it, I can't help but marvel at this apparent dichotomy in Jesus' words:
One one hand, his burden is light. But, on the other hand, if you want to follow, you must take up your cross.
I don't think these truths are contradictory.
There's a lot that I don't know, so there's plenty of room for me to be wrong in my interpretation,
but I think that Jesus' words shed light on the reality that there are burdens worth bearing, and there are burdens that need to be laid down at his feet.
In this world, we WILL have trouble. We'll bear the weight of afflictions. Guaranteed.
And yet, the incredible truth is that our '...light and momentary afflictions are achieving for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison.' (2 Cor 4:17)
(Side note- Paul, the dude who described his afflictions as 'light and momentary' had an incredibly rough life; shipwrecked, persecuted, thrown in prison, and eventually killed because of his persistance in following Jesus. And yet, he describes these afflictions as 'light and momentary'. Blows my mind. Paul demonstrating that kind of depth of understanding of his burdens, and the purposes behind what he was carrying, is so incredible to me. He was carrying his cross, while resting under the lightness of the yoke of Jesus.)
I'm still thinking and processing through the verses/ideas I've been sharing in this post, so if you are reading this and have any comments or insights or other passages in scripture which might help deepen my understanding of Jesus' yoke/burden, I'd appreciate that a whole lot :)
Shoot me an email @ untiltheyallhaveheard@gmail.com!
Several people have been asking about what to pray for regarding the internship, so I thought I'd post some prayer needs tonight as well. This will be our last week in the States, so as we are wrapping up our time here and finishing last-second prep details, the more prayer we can get the better!
Prayer needs:
-That God would bless me and my team with good health as we prepare to fly to Asia next week. A few of us are feeling sick, so please pray that healing happens quickly!
-For the people/families we've been encountering on our prayer walks in the refugee communities; that God would help us to develop further relationships with them and that we'd have wisdom and clarity on how to better share Jesus' love with them.
-Logistics concerns; please pray that my coach is able to purchase plane tickets for in-country flights. This would dramatically help us to cut down on bus/van transportation time and quickly move from place-to-place. We want to spend less time on the road, and leave more time for relationship-building among minority people/language groups.
-That God would bless our research projects, and help us to finish compiling and printing the bilingual songbooks in time to take them to Asia.
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
Your Kingdom Come
I've been very blessed through quite a few amazing conversations within my internship team over the past few weeks of training.
I don't take for granted the fact that I've been placed alongside such amazing individuals with incredible passion for learning more about who they are in Christ and how to know Him more deeply!
I don't take for granted the fact that I've been placed alongside such amazing individuals with incredible passion for learning more about who they are in Christ and how to know Him more deeply!
The other day, after a lengthy discussion on spiritual warfare and deliberating on possible explanations as to why God sometimes heals when we pray (and sometimes doesn't), our coach asked us a question which ignited a very in-depth conversation that we probably could have continued for hours longer than we did.
"What is the kingdom of God?"
"What is the kingdom of God?"
One of the other interns answered that 'the kingdom of God is anyone/anywhere under submission to God's authority and will.'
And, as it so happened, answering that one question sparked a whole batch of new questions;
Is it Gods will/intent that pain exists?
Is it by God's authority that suffering is inflicted?
Is it by God's authority that suffering is inflicted?
Entire books have been written by very smart and well-educated individuals in an endeavor to tackle these questions.
Most of us have very strong opinions as to what the answers to those questions might be.
Where do I stand?
Where do I stand?
I believe that God is not willing that any should perish. (1 Peter 3:9).
I believe that suffering for doing what is right is within God's will.
(1 Peter 3:17- '...if God should will it so...').
I believe that suffering for doing what is right is within God's will.
(1 Peter 3:17- '...if God should will it so...').
I believe that the fully realized 'Kingdom of God' can be most clearly seen in Genesis before the fall of mankind, and in Revelation after the return of Jesus and full restoration of peace.
I believe that the kingdom of God is near (Mark 1:15), and that although we have access to the Holy Spirit and the transformed life he creates within us, there is still 'more kingdom' to come.
For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face.
Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. (1 Cor 13:12)
For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face.
Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. (1 Cor 13:12)
But for now, it's not enough to ask these questions and try my hardest to tackle them and nail down my solid explanations and apologetic arguments.
It's not enough to try harder, study deeper, talk longer.
Because, on this side of eternity, there will always be mystery.
And I don't mean this to be a cop-out response!
This isn't evasion, this is honesty.
I'm learning that evasion is very different from honesty.
Here's the honesty- I'm a human being, with a finite human-being brain.
If all of the mysteries of God/history/the future/the universe could fit into my tiny limited human brain, we'd all be in serious trouble!
And I don't mean this to be a cop-out response!
This isn't evasion, this is honesty.
I'm learning that evasion is very different from honesty.
Here's the honesty- I'm a human being, with a finite human-being brain.
If all of the mysteries of God/history/the future/the universe could fit into my tiny limited human brain, we'd all be in serious trouble!
I want to learn more, I want to delve into answering questions that I don't fully understand.
And I believe that part of honoring Jesus with my mind IS using my brain to engage tough questions and examine WHY I believe, not just 'what' I believe.
But, if my seeking truth is for the sake of proving a point, or winning an argument, then I've already lost before I've begun.
If my seeking truth is so that I can find security and validity in the knowledge itself, then I know nothing.
And I believe that part of honoring Jesus with my mind IS using my brain to engage tough questions and examine WHY I believe, not just 'what' I believe.
But, if my seeking truth is for the sake of proving a point, or winning an argument, then I've already lost before I've begun.
If my seeking truth is so that I can find security and validity in the knowledge itself, then I know nothing.
If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 1 Cor 13:2
Developing my love for Jesus, and my passion for the things He is passionate about, should ALWAYS take precedence over my desire to 'know stuff' and feel intelligent.
With a foundation of LOVE, any 'facts/truths' I accumulate will only serve to help me to love Him more deeply and share his love more freely! I won't need to find my security in how 'smart' I feel.
Sharing his love with others in any way I possibly can is far more critical than an apologetics debate on whether or not his kingdom is here now partially or fully.
Of this I am certain; His kingdom is where He is.
Where He is,
there is freedom and there is grace,
and that's where I want to be.
Knowledge is meaningless unless placed against the backdrop of his grace.
Where He is,
there is freedom and there is grace,
and that's where I want to be.
Knowledge is meaningless unless placed against the backdrop of his grace.
I went into this summer praying more for answers to my 'big questions' more than I was praying for God's kingdom to come and his will to be done.
It's ok for me to keep seeking answers, but I am committing to doing so under a re-adjusted perspective;
Lord, I need you.
I need you more than I need answers.
I need you more than I need to 'be right'.
I need you more.
I need you more than I need answers.
I need you more than I need to 'be right'.
I need you more.
These two songs have been in my head constantly today, so I just decided to combine them into a mash-up and throw together a quick recording- hoping that my sore throat and extreme tiredness don't hinder the impact I hope that these beautiful lyrics bring to your heart, just as they have to mine!
Lord I need you, Oh I need you
Every hour I need you
You're my one defense, my righteousness, Oh God how I need you.
My deepest desire is met in your eyes
My soul waits for you, God
I've searched the world over, and still I find
Only You can satisfy
Monday, June 23, 2014
Update/Prayer Needs
Where to begin?
These past few days have been SO full, and seem like some of the fastest days ever and the slowest days ever all at once!
It's impossible to document everything, but here are a few highlights from the last few days.
-Language lessons at UTD
Very difficult at times to stay focused and stay motivated, but I love the format of the lessons; it's highly individualized and very interactive! I'm learning a ton! My language tutor is one of the sweetest, most patient people ever- she's been working hard to help me learn quickly, and it's a lot of fun to spend time with her.
-Research projects/Songbook compilation
It's been really exciting to be able to be a part of a team conducting research on minority people/language groups, and working on translating and compiling a songbook to use in Asia! (And, possibly even distribute to new groups of believers there!)
-Rest morning!!!
Got to SLEEP IN this past Thursday morning, finally caught up on laundry (yay for hygiene!), then I went to the park with a few of the interns! Walking by the lake, feeding ducks, kicking around a soccer ball, giving our brains a few hours rest before jumping back into language lessons :)
-Prayer Walk
Went as a team to pray as we walked around a refugee community, typically known for it's criminal activity and poverty, but we couldn't help but see another side of this place as we walked and prayed! There was so much LIFE and openness there; even though we only found one small church in the entire community, it was so encouraging to see the ways God is using that one small church to shine a light into the dense spiritual darkness that exists in the area. Please pray for encouragement for the pastor of that church, who we spent some time talking to and praying with- he needs to find new leaders to raise up and minister to the community! Please pray that God will meet that need. We also met and prayed with a man from Burma whose brother is missing; please pray for him and his family!
-Fellowship @ UTD
I've been so blessed by the warm welcomes I've received these past few weeks, and the UTD student fellowship definitely is one of them! Kind new friends, amazing food, solid conversations about Jesus, and a bible study (which I barely understood because of my lack of language comprehension, but that's OK because I'm learninggg! :).
THANK YOU all for your prayers!
Knowing that I'm being prayed for is one of the brightest spots of encouragement in my life right now!
Discouragement has happened.
Distraction has definitely happened.
I am very acutely aware of my insufficiencies.
But the truth is that God is using even my roughest moments to glorify himself.
(even when I'm not quite sure HOW He's gonna pull that off, He always does.)
In learning more about how to be honest about my weaknesses, I find myself gradually able to understand a little more of what Paul meant in 2 Corinthians 12: 9-10;
"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
I know that it's ok to not be ok sometimes,
I just don't always act as though I believe that!
Vulnerability is incredibly difficult, but incredibly necessary to a healthy spiritual life.
I definitely don't intend to mope around proclaiming my insufficiencies to the world, but I DO intend to allow God to be more glorified in my life through making it clear that there is no way I will accomplish anything of eternal value without Him.
This reality goes against all of my natural worldly desires to be performance-driven/self-sufficient!
I want to be seen.
Recognized.
Loved.
All of those desires are misplaced unless they are directed towards Jesus;
He sees me, recognizes my identity in Him, and loves me in my most difficult moments.
But all other worldly recognition/appreciation is a meaningless pursuit, because
I'm not the main character of my story.
After all, it's not even 'my story'.
It's His story.
And He has decided to use my life, a fleeting moment against the backdrop of eternity, filled with weakness and insufficiencies, as some small part of His bigger plan.
I don't want anyone to look back at my time on this internship and marvel at 'how much faith I had',
Because there are times when I deeply struggle with faith.
I don't want anyone to see the things I'm doing and respond by praising my hard work,
Because my efforts are never enough; Jesus is the only reason for any successes along the way.
As much as I crave affirmation and attention,
I know that these things are meaningless unless God is glorified through the reality of my weaknesses.
He must become greater, I must become less.
Prayer needs:
-One of my fellow interns has been battling sickness, please pray for quick healing for her!
-Please pray for God to work out some logistics concerns regarding plane tickets in-country once we get overseas! This would be a huge benefit to be able to purchase affordable plane tickets and avoid time-consuming bus trips.
-Please pray for diligence and endurance as we continue our language-lessons! It's easy to get discouraged and frustrated, so please pray that we keep Jesus at the center of our focus so that our motivation/strength comes from the right place.
-I'm dealing with a recurring sore throat, doesn't seem like a big deal at the moment, but the last time it felt like this it lasted for quite awhile, and I need to feel better quickly so I can lead worship and speak without making it worse.
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
That One Night When I Lost My Sanity (and also my wallet.)
My heart sank and my mind raced when I noticed that I was missing my wallet.
Where could it have possibly gone!?
I JUST had it, didn't I?!
I NEED that back.
It's crucial!
How will I buy gas/essentials without that credit card?
And, how in the world will I explain to my precious little sister that her generous last-minute donation towards my trip has vanished along with my wallet? The wallet I got in Guatemala, with tons of sentimental value, notes from best friends tucked away in the card slots, currency from 3 countries (not worth much in monetary terms, but worth a lot to my sappy sentimental memory-loving self).
How the heck is this happening to me? I don't lose important stuff like this! This is embarrassing!
(Oh look, self-pity turning into pride. Yippy-skippy. This is going in a great direction...)
I went back to my host family's home, trying hard (semi-successfully) not to be in panic-mode.
My host family was incredibly kind and helpful that night!
When I told them about my lost wallet, they dropped everything they were doing and sat with me around the dining room table to pray for me to find the wallet.
I was prayed for in 2 languages!
Afterwards, my host dad offered to bring out a flash light and go help me look in my car one more time.
We practically turned that car inside out.
There was STILL no sign of my wallet!
After about 40 minutes of attempting to call the bank and find out how to cancel my card and report it lost, and not being able to, I gave up.
It was getting late, and I was exhausted.
((Brief backstory: I had already misplaced at least a couple of other things that day, and had forgotten my guitar at the PBT headquarters 45 minutes away from where I needed it when I was supposed to have led worship. Making mistakes was the theme of my day.
So, I was already feeling like a bit of a failure before I ever realized my wallet had vanished into thin air. Earlier that day, my coach looked me in the eyes and told me, "Don't feel so bad about this! Yes, you blew it. But you need to learn how to blow it, and then accept the grace Jesus extends you. He thinks you're awesome, even when you forget stuff! You need to learn how to believe that. You give grace to others when they fail, so you need to learn how to give that same grace to yourself! I will be praying that God will give you plenty of opportunities to blow it over the next few months, so that you can learn how to cut yourself some slack, and receive the grace that has already been given to you."
So basically, he was going to pray that I would learn how to fail by being given more opportunities to fail in a way that glorifies God. And then, hours later, my wallet is gone.
So, dear coach, if you're reading this, I blame you for this whole ordeal. Just kidding. Kind of. But I still love you. I think.))
I spent a couple more hours searching my whole room; emptying my suitcase, searching every nook and cranny of the room and every piece of luggage I had.
And somewhere along the way, my self-pity/pride turned into something worse than sadness and embarrassment;
I was crushed. In tears. Wallowing in my perceived incompetence.
Questioning my WORTH as a person.
Woah. That escalated pretty fast.
Sounds kind of crazy, right? After all, it was just a wallet!
But it wasn't just the wallet.
I didn't lose my sanity over a lost piece of fabric and some paper bills.
There was more to it than that.
The lost wallet was just revealing some emotional/identity issues I had been pushing aside:
I extend grace to other people, but am somehow unable (or unwilling) to extend that same grace to myself when I blow it. (aka- everyone makes mistakes! Except me. How dare I.)
That's not ok.
I sometimes believe that making mistakes gets in the way of my ability to 'prove myself' and show that I'm someone who is worthwhile, even through Jesus proved that FOR me over 2000 years ago.
That's not ok.
I wasn't even being fully honest with myself about some emotional difficulties I've been facing over the last few weeks. I was trying so hard to convince myself that I was completely ok, that I wasn't even giving myself a chance to be honest about the fact that I was having a tough time. My initial strategy was diversion, not honesty.
That's not ok.
And so, losing the wallet was the tipping point God used to bring all of that junk to the surface.
Praise Jesus for that darn lost wallet!
I was finally confronting those places in my heart that God was/is still working on!
So there I was, a picture of pathetic-ness, crying my eyes out while on hold with the credit card company.
Real classy, right? Totally.
I eventually had no other alternative but to give the situation to God.
(Which would have been the best strategy from the get-go, but I was far too consumed in self pity to realize that!)
I went to sleep, and continued my routine the next morning, feeling much more at peace with myself.
(But still really wishing I had that silly wallet back.)
The story very well could have ended right there, but it didn't!
After a couple of meetings, I went out to my car later in the morning with one of my coaches to grab a song book from the back seat, and when I looked in the car by the passenger's seat,
THERE IT WAS!
The wallet! Right there, propped up in plain sight against the front seat!
Me and my coach were completely shocked- that wallet was NOT there the last time we were in my car. After searching the entire car so thoroughly with my host-dad the night before, and searching again first thing in the morning, I was completely dumbfounded to see it sitting there in plain view! (One of my teammates who had sat in that passenger seat just a couple hours beforehand was equally surprised- he said that he definitely would have seen it propped up there if it had been there earlier in the morning as he was getting into the car!)
I may or may not have cried again.
But this time it was out of sheer joy!
(I promise I don't usually cry as often as I seem like I do in this post! Or maybe I do.
Man, I don't know! hahaha)
I don't know how that wallet got there.
But all I do know for sure is that
God is good.
God is still good, whether or not I had ever seen that wallet again.
I don't have to believe that I deserve his grace when I blow it.
Because I don't.
But it's mine to take, and what possible reason do I have to refuse such a gift?
Jesus sees me so differently than I so often see myself.
He doesn't look at me and see someone who has yet to prove their value.
Yes, I blow it.
I fail.
But failure is an event, not a person.
I fail, but I am not a failure.
In moments when I struggle to see my worth,
Jesus still sees me, the whole me, and loves me anyways.
He sees you, and loves you anyways.
Maybe He just sees something that we don't.
Where could it have possibly gone!?
I JUST had it, didn't I?!
I NEED that back.
It's crucial!
How will I buy gas/essentials without that credit card?
And, how in the world will I explain to my precious little sister that her generous last-minute donation towards my trip has vanished along with my wallet? The wallet I got in Guatemala, with tons of sentimental value, notes from best friends tucked away in the card slots, currency from 3 countries (not worth much in monetary terms, but worth a lot to my sappy sentimental memory-loving self).
How the heck is this happening to me? I don't lose important stuff like this! This is embarrassing!
(Oh look, self-pity turning into pride. Yippy-skippy. This is going in a great direction...)
I went back to my host family's home, trying hard (semi-successfully) not to be in panic-mode.
My host family was incredibly kind and helpful that night!
When I told them about my lost wallet, they dropped everything they were doing and sat with me around the dining room table to pray for me to find the wallet.
I was prayed for in 2 languages!
Afterwards, my host dad offered to bring out a flash light and go help me look in my car one more time.
We practically turned that car inside out.
There was STILL no sign of my wallet!
After about 40 minutes of attempting to call the bank and find out how to cancel my card and report it lost, and not being able to, I gave up.
It was getting late, and I was exhausted.
((Brief backstory: I had already misplaced at least a couple of other things that day, and had forgotten my guitar at the PBT headquarters 45 minutes away from where I needed it when I was supposed to have led worship. Making mistakes was the theme of my day.
So, I was already feeling like a bit of a failure before I ever realized my wallet had vanished into thin air. Earlier that day, my coach looked me in the eyes and told me, "Don't feel so bad about this! Yes, you blew it. But you need to learn how to blow it, and then accept the grace Jesus extends you. He thinks you're awesome, even when you forget stuff! You need to learn how to believe that. You give grace to others when they fail, so you need to learn how to give that same grace to yourself! I will be praying that God will give you plenty of opportunities to blow it over the next few months, so that you can learn how to cut yourself some slack, and receive the grace that has already been given to you."
So basically, he was going to pray that I would learn how to fail by being given more opportunities to fail in a way that glorifies God. And then, hours later, my wallet is gone.
So, dear coach, if you're reading this, I blame you for this whole ordeal. Just kidding. Kind of. But I still love you. I think.))
I spent a couple more hours searching my whole room; emptying my suitcase, searching every nook and cranny of the room and every piece of luggage I had.
And somewhere along the way, my self-pity/pride turned into something worse than sadness and embarrassment;
I was crushed. In tears. Wallowing in my perceived incompetence.
Questioning my WORTH as a person.
Woah. That escalated pretty fast.
Sounds kind of crazy, right? After all, it was just a wallet!
But it wasn't just the wallet.
I didn't lose my sanity over a lost piece of fabric and some paper bills.
There was more to it than that.
The lost wallet was just revealing some emotional/identity issues I had been pushing aside:
I extend grace to other people, but am somehow unable (or unwilling) to extend that same grace to myself when I blow it. (aka- everyone makes mistakes! Except me. How dare I.)
That's not ok.
I sometimes believe that making mistakes gets in the way of my ability to 'prove myself' and show that I'm someone who is worthwhile, even through Jesus proved that FOR me over 2000 years ago.
That's not ok.
I wasn't even being fully honest with myself about some emotional difficulties I've been facing over the last few weeks. I was trying so hard to convince myself that I was completely ok, that I wasn't even giving myself a chance to be honest about the fact that I was having a tough time. My initial strategy was diversion, not honesty.
That's not ok.
And so, losing the wallet was the tipping point God used to bring all of that junk to the surface.
Praise Jesus for that darn lost wallet!
I was finally confronting those places in my heart that God was/is still working on!
So there I was, a picture of pathetic-ness, crying my eyes out while on hold with the credit card company.
Real classy, right? Totally.
I eventually had no other alternative but to give the situation to God.
(Which would have been the best strategy from the get-go, but I was far too consumed in self pity to realize that!)
I went to sleep, and continued my routine the next morning, feeling much more at peace with myself.
(But still really wishing I had that silly wallet back.)
The story very well could have ended right there, but it didn't!
After a couple of meetings, I went out to my car later in the morning with one of my coaches to grab a song book from the back seat, and when I looked in the car by the passenger's seat,
THERE IT WAS!
The wallet! Right there, propped up in plain sight against the front seat!
Me and my coach were completely shocked- that wallet was NOT there the last time we were in my car. After searching the entire car so thoroughly with my host-dad the night before, and searching again first thing in the morning, I was completely dumbfounded to see it sitting there in plain view! (One of my teammates who had sat in that passenger seat just a couple hours beforehand was equally surprised- he said that he definitely would have seen it propped up there if it had been there earlier in the morning as he was getting into the car!)
I may or may not have cried again.
But this time it was out of sheer joy!
(I promise I don't usually cry as often as I seem like I do in this post! Or maybe I do.
Man, I don't know! hahaha)
I don't know how that wallet got there.
But all I do know for sure is that
God is good.
God is still good, whether or not I had ever seen that wallet again.
I don't have to believe that I deserve his grace when I blow it.
Because I don't.
But it's mine to take, and what possible reason do I have to refuse such a gift?
Jesus sees me so differently than I so often see myself.
He doesn't look at me and see someone who has yet to prove their value.
Yes, I blow it.
I fail.
But failure is an event, not a person.
I fail, but I am not a failure.
In moments when I struggle to see my worth,
Jesus still sees me, the whole me, and loves me anyways.
He sees you, and loves you anyways.
Maybe He just sees something that we don't.
(Last week's lake afternoon with the interns!)
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